Wow... Two months since I last blogged.

The delay was partly due to my old CPU which was no longer operating properly. It would take 15 minutes to load windows before you could actually do anything on it. After waiting that long, I wouldn't feel like blogging. The other reason for the lapse in blogging was that there were too many things going on in my life that I couldn't stop to breathe.

Anyway, I should really say something about the most significant thing to happen to me in the last two months. Of course, I'm referring to my dad going home to be with the Lord.

It was in the middle of the night on the 20th of August that my mum shook me awake at 4:17 am saying that my dad needed to go to the A&E. 8 minutes later and we were on our way to NUH. During those 8 minutes, I asked my dad what was wrong and he wrote "difficulty breathing" on his magna doodle. Little did I know that those were the last words he would be saying to me. Anyway, at 4:30 am at the A&E, he was put on morphine and oxygen. 90 minutes later, he was admitted to Ward 58 where further attempts were made to clear his breathing passages. At 6:30 am, the oncology doctor told us that he couldn't do much more and advised us to prepare for his passing.

Sis came an hour later and a little while later, the surgeon who had been handling my dad's case confirmed his junior colleagues prognosis and said we would have a few hours before dad went. Naturally, we were all distressed and began saying our goodbyes to dad. He wasn't lucid cos of the morphine, but we were assured that he could hear us.

The waiting was awful. As it turned out, dad passed away at noon. Only mum was at his bedside cos I had fallen asleep in the room's balcony and sis had gone to eat something at the food court. I felt terrible but mum said everything was alright. She had been talking to dad just before noon and once she had finished, she felt his hand go warm then his breathing stopped.

Suddenly, we were thrust into having to prepare for a wake and funeral. But first, we had to wait for NUH to issue a death certificate. That took way too long by my reckoning. We ended up waiting with dad's dead body lying in his hospital bed. During that time, condolence SMSes started coming in from people who we had informed regarding dad's passing. Jasmine and Hannah were in the area so they came by. I for one was glad to see them simply because it was good to see familiar faces in such an unfamiliar circumstance.

The rest of the day was quite rushed. At 3:30, the death certificate was ready and the funeral parlour people came to take dad's body away for embalming. We went home where we found the funeral parlour people already setting up the wake area. Then it was off to SPH to place an obituary. By the time we got back, it was almost 6:00. Just before 8:00, dad's coffin arrived. It was strange to see him in a box and he looked so peaceful.

I spent most of the night alone downstairs while mum and sis got some sleep. It's been a long time since I have had to stay up from 1 to 7. Naturally I fell asleep every now and then, especially towards the end of my shift. During the night, I wrote my eulogy which I would be delivering at the wake service which would take place later that day.

At 7, sis came down to take over. I went up to wash up. I meant to take a short nap but I didn't feel too tired. At 9, I went with mum to the Garden of Remembrance, a Christian columbarium in Choa Chu Kang. She intended just to have a look at the place, but when we got there, she liked it so much that she decided to buy a double niche. The manager there, an Elder Wong from Amazing Grace Presbyterian Church, gave us a tour of the place and we settled on the 3rd floor. If any of you are in the area and would like to visit, it's Section Q2, niche 115. We chose the 3rd floor as it was more breezy and bright compared to levels 1 and 2. Moreover, there were no mosquitoes up there.

Rushed back home as mum was expecting dad's colleagues to come by. Nat and Chin Wee, an old friend of my family's from church, were already there and with my sis they served drinks to dad's colleagues when they came. It was good to see them even though I had no idea who they were. Nat and Chin Wee stayed on through most of the day, which was a great help to our family.

Come the evening, and I went up to change into more presentable attire for the wake service. Meanwhile, our friends started to turn up for the wake service. Brenda came and was roped in by my mum to help with the collection of 'white gold'. Strangely enough, she brought a chocolate cake for me and my family which other people thought was quite strange.

Apart from dad's colleagues and his friends from the Apex Club, the church choir came, as did many of the church members. Most of my classmates came too as did the committee of the Student Mission Fellowship. It was good to see everyone there.

The service went by quite fast, though my lack of sleep meant that I almost fell asleep during the message which someone said was rather long and irrelevant. When I stood up to give my eulogy, I was surprised to see the large crowd that had gathered for the wake service. There were actually people standing up at the back of the crowd which extended over to the tables. I was quite touched although that meant that when we stood by the casket to shake hands at the end of the service, it felt like the line would never end.

After the shaking of hands, I went around talking to the guests before settling down to eat something. Joan, Janice and Jeff were there too and they joined me and Brenda at the 'white gold' table. This was the same group that I celebrated my birthday with so it was nice to see them all again though in vastly different circumstances.

Everything wrapped up around 11. Thanks to Nat, I was able to sleep 7 hours that night after two consecutive nights of 3 hours sleep. I didn't actually intend to sleep that long, but I was so tired that I couldn't wake up when my alarm went off at 3am.

The next day was pretty much the same. More of dad's colleagues, a few more of my classmates and even 2 of my lecturers, and 2 ladies from the BSF class which I assisted when they set up in my church came by to offer their condolences. Nat and Chin Wee were once again on hand to help out. My family almost forgot to arrange for an urn (we had decided on cremation) for dad's ashes. Luckily there was still time to call the casket company and choose an urn. The wake service was good, not as many people as the first night but it was still nice to see the different people who came. My CG sang "Amazing Grace", but a version with different lyrics which really helped when we collected dad's ashes. Sis gave a nice eulogy which really reminded me of what dad was like before he was diagnosed with cancer. He was such a fun dad who brought colour and life to our family.

Brenda came again to help with the 'white gold'. This time she brought grapes and 'soon kueh' for us. This time round, mum joined Brenda, Joan, and me for light refreshments after the service. That was a good time for all of us and for mum and me it was a nice way to finish off the wake phase of dad's passing.

This time round, I took the night shift. I was very tired so I didn't manage to stay awake throughout the night. I spent some time by the casket looking at my dad. I was kind of sad because the cremation service was drawing near where dad would really be gone. I know he was already in a better place but somehow death's finality really comes home when the body is buried or cremated.

At 12, things were in place for the encoffining service. Around 40 people were there. After the encoffining, the casket was placed in the hearse whereupon mum, sis, and me began walking behind the hearse, followed by the rest of the people who were present. A short walk from the carpark to the guard house, then we got into the coach which would bring us to the crematorium.

I had never seen a cremation before. Mandai Crematorium is a relatively new facility and it has quite nice funeral halls. Mum gave a short eulogy at the funeral service before we said our final goodbyes to dad as his casket was prepared for its trip to the cremation chamber. We were all ushered into a viewing gallery where we watched the casket slowly inch forwards towards the oven. The oven door opened and the casket was slid into the oven. Then the chamber doors closed and we couldn't see anything else.

Back home, we realised that we needed to find a way to pay the funeral parlour and the columbarium. From the 'white gold' we had enough cash, but we needed someone to write cheques to the relevant parties. Nat volunteered so I drove him home where he wrote the cheques. Later mum and I tried to transfer him the sum required for the cheques but found we could not transfer the full amount. So we went to Jurong Point to meet Nat and use the cash deposit machine there to top up Nat's account with the remainder of the money.

The next morning, mum, sis and me went up to Mandai Crematorium to collect dad's ashes. When we got there, we wondered what the process would be like. A representative from the funeral parlour company met us. He took a plastic box from the ash collection counter and brought us to a small side room. Once there, we asked him where the ashes were. He pointed to the box and said they were inside. We were all puzzled as the contents of the box didn't look like ashes to us. But the man assured us that the box contained the ashes. Once the box was opened, we saw a pile of bones. We realised that cremation leaves the bones behind. The man pointed out some different bones and explained some things about the bones, like how the degraded interior of the bone pointed to the use of intravenous drugs. At that moment, I could really see how much dad went through during his illness. But the words of "Amazing Grace" which my CG sang at the second wake service came back to me:

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

All that was left of dad was a pile of bones but we could be glad because he now had a new body. After that, we left for the Garden of Remembrance where we placed dad's urn into the niche we had bought. A short prayer later, and the funeral phase had ended.

This entire episode reminded me of a few things. Firstly, family is important. You don't know how much you love someone until he or she is taken from you. Secondly, it's good to have friends who can help in times of need such as this. People like Jasmine, Hannah, Brenda, Nat, and Chin Wee, all helped to bring comfort, encouragement, and real help to me and my family. Thirdly, life in the body is really frail. However strong we may be on the outside, there comes a day when we cannot rely on our body. Thus we must make sure that our spirit is always ready so that when our body fails, our spirit will be prepared to meet God. Dad was always ready in his spirit even when he was faced with increasing difficulties.

Oh, I did cry quite a bit in this period. I know I've not often expressed my emotions regarding my dad's illness. But I did let the tears flow as I recalled what dad had done for me and how I would miss him now that he was gone.